My New Therapist

I believe it was around 1990 and I was 22 years old. I was on my way to my 1st therapy appointment in New Haven. Margaret was going to meet me there. I didn’t know what to expect from this therapist, was she going to think I was nuts. I had left an unwritten will on the kitchen table at home, my plan was to come home from my appointment and kill myself with my boyfriend’s gun, by shooting myself in the head. My boyfriend was gone for the week, a surveying job out of town. I was only seeing this therapist to satisfy my boss. I thought that I had loved my boyfriend for a while, but it didn’t last long. Everything about him got under my skin, but he did love me, he wasn’t a bad man. He never cheated on me, hit me or yelled at me. But he just drove me up the wall. He didn’t deserve how I treated him. I think it was just me that I was the problem, not him. But I just felt like I was stuck in this relationship. Once I literally put him through a wall. I had his gun in my hands and he came in the bedroom and saw me with it and stated rambling on about how I must have hated my mom. So I shoved him and he went right through the wall. Needless to say our landlord was not a happy camper. I waited out in my jeep until Margaret arrived, then we both went in together. We sat in the chair while I filled out some paper work. I was about to spill my guts out to a therapist, boy was I nervous. And then the therapist came out and said, “Tammy, I’m ready for you now.”

My Co-Workers (My Schizophrenia)

Work was going crappy, I was not doing a very good job at all. I kept hearing voices, but told no one. I was very depressed, sad & unhappy in my relationship, I wanted out of that so bad. But I felt stuck in the relationship. I hated my job, most of the people I worked with & myself, most of all. They were treating me like shit at work. The things I did for my co-worker, Karen, & she continued to stab me in the back. Once during work, we were working together & she had a really bad hang-over, & I let her sleep in back of the jeep while I did all the work & I never told a soul, until now. Now if it was the other way around she would of told on me. Well down the road it all caught up with her, she finally lost her job & her home, because of the drug use, actually it’s a shame, because her daughter is turning out just like her, what a waste. I don’t wish anything on anybody, except the people trying to destroy our country, but she did treat me like crap. I guess it’s true that, What Comes Around Goes Around. Also Shirley our foremen, she would be one of those who would be so nice to your face, but behind your back the knife went in really deep. They sure didn’t make my illness any better. I was hurt, angry & felt so very alone. All I could think about was suicide. My head boss Margaret finally came to me one day and said that if I didn’t get some help I was going to be fired. I asked her if I went would she go with me my first time and she said yes. So I found a therapist.

How The Schizophrenia Began

I am writing a story a true story about my life as a schizophrenic , my times in and out of the many mental hospitals, relationships, psychiatrists, therapists, nurses, and whatever.

The names and places have been changed for their benefits.



I was working at the time and driving at the moment and I would hear music all the time, but it wouldn’t really bother me or I wouldn’t really think about it, cuz it was pretty cool with my own juke box in my head. But then once I saw a black woman in my rearview mirror covered in blood running after me screaming. I slammed on my brakes and got out of the jeep & looked all around for her, but of course she was not there. I was confused and I felt like I was going nuts, the place I was at did not look familiar to me, I felt like I was in a foreign land. I was hearing these voices that I never heard before, it sounded like hundreds of them. I just put my head in my hands & cried.