Drugged Up With Pills & The Stranger

I agreed to go back into the hospital again. I started hearing voices, voices to kill myself. I was so depressed & confused. In the hospital they did a test on me to see if I was schizophrenic & they put these things on my head it was like glued to my head. And when I was done with the test I walked back to the street to the hospital to my room & I went in the bathroom & took one look in the mirror & scared the holy crap out of me. My hair was standing straight up all over the place. And I had walk in front of traffic looking like that. How embarrassing. And it was fun trying to get the crap out of my hair too. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia!!!




Finally when they released me from the hospital I was on 8 anti- psychotic meds, 5 anti- depressant meds, 3 anti-anxiety meds, & a couple for things I don’t remember why. I was really drugged up pretty bad. But was able to kinda function, I guess, I sorta look like I had no animation in my face.



One day I was in my cottage & this man was outside weed eating, an older gentlemen about late 60’s early 70’s & something told me to go give him a glass of water. I said to myself, ‘No Way, I just don’t know this man, you just got out of the hospital & he’s plain & simple a stranger.’ But something kept pushing me over & over. So I finally gave in & I took him a glass of water. We talked a minute & he goes ”Do you know who I am?” I said, “No” He said “I’m the Pastor that owns the church over there & I own this property. I’m Rev. Gates. And you are more than welcome to come to the church sometime.” I said, “Boy do I have some questions for you!!!”

My Release

I had been in the hospital a month & it was time for me to go mainly cuz my insurance wouldn’t allow me to be there any longer. And I never told anyone about the black woman I saw in the rear view mirror or the music in my head. But I was feeling pretty good. Mark & I saw each other quite a few times on the outside & we had sex which I could have done without that, but like it or not we did.


My coworker found a little cottage for me to live in. My mom paid for 1st, last, & security deposit. I loved my little place. Margaret helped me move in. And my mom stayed with me the first night. It was so hard coming out of the hospital into the real world. In the hospital everything is so secure & structured & the real world is so cruel or can be. I remember going into K-Mart & I smiled at this man & he did not smile back, I was devastated, it almost killed me, cuz I was not used to that.

I went back to work & back to mowing lawns & it was all so great. My life was fantastic, I felt great & I was happy. I was seeing the therapist Joan & a Psychiatrist Dr. Edwards, he was a little skinny short man, very cool. But I missed Dr. Roberts, cuz he reminded me of my 5th grade teacher, whom I adored.

Like I said thing were going good at work, I even got a raise. Then about a year later things started going down hill.

Visitors

While I was in the open unit & they would have new people come in for the first time they would have me talk to them, because the prozac was working so well & I was so positive & upbeat. And because I used to take care of everyone else in the hospital (basically to avoid my own problems, didn’t want to deal). I would tell the people everything was going to be ok, & that they were in a great place with kind people. And just be a really good comforter. It was a good feeling for them & also for me.