Sexual Abuse

Yes, my father had sexual abused me at age 11. He raped me, he made me perform oral sex on him, & he fondled me. I was living with my grandma at the time & he came to get me two weekends after the abuse & I hide behind my gram & said that I did NOT want to go. He gave me a strange look & left. My gram wondered why I didn't want to go. I just said because I didn't feel like it. Then the next night gram & her boyfriend & I went out to eat & I said something about dad doing something to me. They would ask me what, but I wouldn't say. We got home & I finally told gram, but I was laughing when I told her. I didn't understand that. My therapist said it could of been a way to cope or a nervous thing. Gram called my mom who was living in Florida at the time & she cried & said she actually believed he'd do something like that. I never actually told them what he did to me, just said he sexual abused me. My gram called my dad & he never denied it at all. And gram told him you're never going to see her again, but don't forget about her birthday & Christmas & he said he wouldn't. Well that lasted about four years. I did talk to him once when I was 16, because I had a half brother & wanted to talk to him, but dad did call me & I ended up talking to him too. Dad made me feel so guilty & he begged me for his forgiveness. And I did, STUPID!!!! My mom was on the couch crying & saying how could you forgive him. And in time I realized the crap he pulled on me & I really couldn't forgive him. Many years later I wrote him & he wrote me back to tell me he had moved to Florida, only about 2 to 3 hours away, & he wanted to see me. But no way in hell was I going to see him. I still have not forgiven him, but for my own sake I need to because it's only hurting me, not him. And I need to find out how I can forgive!!