My 1st Night In The Mental Hospital

Cuz, when I opened the door, there were about 8 people standing there. And Dr. Roberts stood up & said take her in back. And I was escorted to the locked area. Margaret was able to come with me. They put me in a very small room with these mirrors along the walls. I knew there were cameras behind them. Dr. Roberts came in & said, “I just want you here for a couple of days.” “Is that all a couple of days.” “Yes,” He said. Little did I know it was going to be a long month. Margaret said, “I don’t know why you’re not crying?” As she was crying, I said that I was too pissed to cry. One of the nurses came in & Margaret told her that she wanted me to have a bigger room, not this tiny room to stay in. The nurse said she would see to that. It was time for Margaret to go. I didn’t want her to go. But we said our goodbyes. It was pretty late at night they just took my vital signs & put me to bed. They locked the door so I couldn’t get out. At least it had a bathroom in it. There was only a sheet on the bed & it was freezing in the room. I didn’t find out until later that u could control the temperature in the room. I had stomach problems that morning & they kept asking me if I was alright. I just wanted to go home. They let me come out of the room later that morning & took my vitals again & they said to me it was time to take a shower. They gave me another gown as my clothes were being laundered. We went out through the locked doors to another unit where a bunch of people were & into a room where the showers were, there were stalls. I took my shower & had to dry off in front of one of the workers, embarrassing. I did have a nice skinny body at that time. But I don’t like being naked in front of strangers. I got dressed in my lovely gown & went back into the locked unit again.

My Trip To See The Psychiatrist

Well, she was gone for quite awhile & when she finally came back she said, “Would you be willing to go to George Town & talk to a psychiatrist up there?” I said, “I don’t know, I really don’t want to drive all the way up there.” “Well, maybe Margaret could dive you up there & you all could follow me in my vehicle, we’ll just go up there & talk to someone.” “Well I guess so, what do you think Margaret?” “Yea, I could take you up there, but first I have to call my husband & let him know I won’t be home until later.” Margaret calls her husband & Joan goes out in the front room to make another phone call again. So on our way to George Town to see some shrink, boy I didn’t know what I was getting into. We pulled into the parking lot of this hospital called, Sunny Side, I said, “Margaret, I’m not going to be leaving here!!!!!”She said, “What, yes you are, what are you talking about?” “I know someone who came here & ended up staying here, they are going to keep me here, I just know it.” “They can’t do that,” Margaret said. “We’ll see,” I told her. We went up to the front door with Joan & we got buzzed in & walked into a fairly large room with a large table, there were 3 people at the table, then Joan, Margaret & I sat down & soon the psychiatrist came in. He introduced himself as Dr. Roberts. I said, “Hi.” He said, “Do you know why you’re here?” “No!” I said. He said, “I heard that you wanted to kill yourself?” “No, it’s just talk.” He said, “But you have a gun at home, what do you plan on doing with it?” “I’m not going to kill myself, it’s just talk (liar) I just want to go home.” “Well I think maybe you should stay here a couple of days & get evaluated.” “I don’t think so. I have 2 jobs, I work at the Water District & I mow lawns on the side, & doing the lawns it’s just me & another guy & I couldn’t just leave him to do it all by himself, plus my jeep is in New Haven at Joan’s office.” “Well your jobs will be there when you get out, it will only be a couple of days.” “NO, I can’t leave my jobs, YOU DON’T understand!!!!!” I said very angry. He said, “What do you think Margaret, do you think she should stay?” “Well, she’s pretty angry, I don’t know if she should stay or not.” It would be for her own good, believe me!” “You can’t keep me in this fucken place!!!!” I got up, walked toward the door & opened it, cuz I thought I was going to be able to make a bee-line to the front door. Boy, was I wrong.

The Therapy Session

So here I go my boss & I on our way back to “The Room”. She said, “Hi, I’m Joan.” I said hi. She asked, “So what brings you here tonight.” It was 7:00 at night. I said, “My boss, Margaret, made me come here.” “And why did she make you come here?” “Because my job, my life & whatever else is just going downhill.” “Why is it going downhill?” “I don’t know, I’m just unhappy with everything, I hate my boyfriend & I hate myself.” “Why do you hate yourself?” “I hate my body & my boyfriend touching me. I don’t want anyone touching me.” She asked, “Have you ever been sexually abused?” “WHY?” I said very loudly. “Because you sound like someone who has been sexually abused.” “Maybe,” I said. “Who did this to you?” I said, “My father did some stuff to me and stuff like that & I DO NOT want to talk about it!!!!!” Margaret starts to cry. I said to her, “Why are you crying, if you are crying over me please don’t, because I’m not worth crying over.” Margaret says, “That’s not true you are worth it, & I’m sorry I never knew that your father sexually abused you.” Joan asked, “Why don’t you think you’re not worth it?” “Because I’m an idiot, I’m stupid, I’m dumb, I’m a jerk & an over all fuck up, I just want to end my life, I don’t want to live anymore, my life is worthless.” Joan says, “Do you have a plan?” I said, “Well, I went to the Stationary Store & bought a Will & my boyfriend has a gun at home.” Joan says, “That’s where you live with your boyfriend & he has a gun in the house that you can get to?” “Yes”, I said. Joan said, Excuse me for a minute I’ll be right back.”

My New Therapist

I believe it was around 1990 and I was 22 years old. I was on my way to my 1st therapy appointment in New Haven. Margaret was going to meet me there. I didn’t know what to expect from this therapist, was she going to think I was nuts. I had left an unwritten will on the kitchen table at home, my plan was to come home from my appointment and kill myself with my boyfriend’s gun, by shooting myself in the head. My boyfriend was gone for the week, a surveying job out of town. I was only seeing this therapist to satisfy my boss. I thought that I had loved my boyfriend for a while, but it didn’t last long. Everything about him got under my skin, but he did love me, he wasn’t a bad man. He never cheated on me, hit me or yelled at me. But he just drove me up the wall. He didn’t deserve how I treated him. I think it was just me that I was the problem, not him. But I just felt like I was stuck in this relationship. Once I literally put him through a wall. I had his gun in my hands and he came in the bedroom and saw me with it and stated rambling on about how I must have hated my mom. So I shoved him and he went right through the wall. Needless to say our landlord was not a happy camper. I waited out in my jeep until Margaret arrived, then we both went in together. We sat in the chair while I filled out some paper work. I was about to spill my guts out to a therapist, boy was I nervous. And then the therapist came out and said, “Tammy, I’m ready for you now.”

My Co-Workers (My Schizophrenia)

Work was going crappy, I was not doing a very good job at all. I kept hearing voices, but told no one. I was very depressed, sad & unhappy in my relationship, I wanted out of that so bad. But I felt stuck in the relationship. I hated my job, most of the people I worked with & myself, most of all. They were treating me like shit at work. The things I did for my co-worker, Karen, & she continued to stab me in the back. Once during work, we were working together & she had a really bad hang-over, & I let her sleep in back of the jeep while I did all the work & I never told a soul, until now. Now if it was the other way around she would of told on me. Well down the road it all caught up with her, she finally lost her job & her home, because of the drug use, actually it’s a shame, because her daughter is turning out just like her, what a waste. I don’t wish anything on anybody, except the people trying to destroy our country, but she did treat me like crap. I guess it’s true that, What Comes Around Goes Around. Also Shirley our foremen, she would be one of those who would be so nice to your face, but behind your back the knife went in really deep. They sure didn’t make my illness any better. I was hurt, angry & felt so very alone. All I could think about was suicide. My head boss Margaret finally came to me one day and said that if I didn’t get some help I was going to be fired. I asked her if I went would she go with me my first time and she said yes. So I found a therapist.

How The Schizophrenia Began

I am writing a story a true story about my life as a schizophrenic , my times in and out of the many mental hospitals, relationships, psychiatrists, therapists, nurses, and whatever.

The names and places have been changed for their benefits.



I was working at the time and driving at the moment and I would hear music all the time, but it wouldn’t really bother me or I wouldn’t really think about it, cuz it was pretty cool with my own juke box in my head. But then once I saw a black woman in my rearview mirror covered in blood running after me screaming. I slammed on my brakes and got out of the jeep & looked all around for her, but of course she was not there. I was confused and I felt like I was going nuts, the place I was at did not look familiar to me, I felt like I was in a foreign land. I was hearing these voices that I never heard before, it sounded like hundreds of them. I just put my head in my hands & cried.