A Break......... Here are Rules for Five Question Friday

I'm taking a break from my story & writing a few thing for now, just to give it a break right now, but don't worry it shall return.
Have fun & do these questions.

Rules for Five Question Friday: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then watch for the linky to appear Friday morning!


1. Where did you meet your spouse and did you instantly know it was love?










2. What is your favorite room in your house?










3. Can you wiggle your ears?










4. What is your evening ritual?










5. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?

My answers:


1.Where did you meet your spouse & did you instantly fall in love?
Not my spouse, but my partner, we were both going to a Thursday night Support Group at the GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender) Church that we attend.  It was our first time attending the group.  I was sitting outside at a table & she came up & sat at the same table & we hit iut right off, only as friends for about a year, then it was love.

2. What is your favorite room in the house?
Living room, cuz that where I do everything, just about, Watch TV, get on computer, read, write, draw, do crafts, listen to music, sing, dance & whatever.

3.Can you wiggle your ears?
Why by-golly I can.  And alway have been able to.

4. What is your evening ritual?
Mines a can be different from time to time, but it generally consist of, watching a little TV, a little reading, a little writing, some computer, throughout the evening, eating somewhere in there.

5. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
Only about 4 hours. And in between there, there will be days that I won't sleep at all.  But after about 3 weeks or more of it, I'm know to sleep a whole day & night, to catch up on missed sleep.

Withdrawals

Then things started going down hill again & I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrist. They put me back in the hospital in George Town. I was there for a month. I was so drugged up & they sent me to a hospital up in Bentley . I don’t even remember going up there, I was so drugged up. I had to be interviewed to go into this hospital & the first time they denied me, because I was so unstable. But they put me on more meds & then I had another interview & they excepted me. But I don’t remember none of it.


While I was in Bentley hospital I was on 32 different medications, when I got there & they took me off of all of them except for one pill. Which was making me throw-up. So I pretended to take it & flushed it down the toilet. I was going through withdrawals horribly. I couldn’t eat for two weeks. The smell of food made me throw-up. My Aunt sent me these 2 really mini, mini loaves of Banana bread, I would eat like a couple of pieces a day, I was able to keep them down. All night when I tried to sleep I just shook & trembled so bad that I was not hardly able to sleep at all. This went on for about 2 ½ weeks. I’ve never been through anything more terrible than that in my life. I’ve seen things & heard things & all that crap & I’d rather go through all that then ever have to go through that kind of withdrawal again. NEVER!!!

No words could explain how horrible it was. It had to be something like heroin withdrawals, it was that bad. But I never let anyone know what I was going through, how they couldn’t tell something was wrong, I don’t know. They were surly blind. Not to see me shaking or hear me throwing-up all the time. One day I went to the doctor & told him I wanted a court order to get out of the hospital, he said, all you had to do was ask to get out, you are doing great & have done a complete turn around. So I went home in a couple of days.

It’s strange how we can remember so many of the bad things that happen to us & not remember as much of the good things. SAD!!!!

Quitting Fire Fighting & EMT

One day I was working at the Fire Station & we were on a call & I was doing CPR on a woman & the voices in my head told me to kill her. I panicked & told someone to take over. When we got back to the Fire Station I got my Bunker gear & left the Fire Station for good. The captain asked me to come back & work, but I couldn't, it terrified me. Then I started to go to a day treatment group in Highland, like a drop-in center. I just loved it. I got off some of the meds that I was on & we were in a group session one day & the meds that they took me off of were finally out of my system & you couldn't shut me up. I kept apologizing to everyone. But I finally felt free, because I was on so many meds. Now I was just on a few. And it felt soooooo good. Once I was at the drop-in center & I started a new med, & I started it at the drop-in center, Big mistake. On my way home & I was so paranoid I could hardly drive. I thought everyone was staring at me & I was stiff as a board. I got home & my neighbor come over & I thought he wanted to kill me & I was watching a program on t.v. & I thought the audience was laughing. It was awful. It just had me on a too high of the dose of the med.

Excepting My Savior Jesus & Becoming A Fire Fighter

So I had some questions for Rev. Gates. He gave me some answers & an invitation to the church. It took me many months before I went to church. Then after a while I accepted Christ as my Savior. And life was great I loved it. I started having Bible studying with some friends. And I decided I wanted to become a volunteer fire fighter & EMT & I went to an interview, which was very intimidating , but they accepted me. And that started my adventure as a fire fighter & EMT. In 1994 is when I got baptized with water & the Holy Spirit in total water submersion. When Rev. Gators dunk me under the water, I just expected to come up out of the water & feel no different, but when he brought me out of the water I felt so different. I raised my arm in the air & yelled yes.It was the most amazing feeling I ever felt in my life. My mom was there & she disappeared & I found her outside & I asked her why she left. She said she had a strange feeling & a tugging like on her heart. I told her she shouldn't have left. She could of gave her life to Jesus that day.


Nothing could bring me down. I was so high on life, on Jesus. My life had changes. I had never felt better in my life. It was wonderful. I was a volunteer fire fighter & EMT which I made it my life plus working at the Water District. I was no longer mowing lawns. I would work at the Fire Station & go to the Water Dist. & straight from the Water Dist. to the Fire Station.

Satanism

Let me back up a bit. Before I went into the hospital the first time I started to get into Satanism. I had a satanic Bible. At first I just took it as a joke. Then I read it again & took it a little more seriously. When Ben, my boyfriend that I lived with, was gone away surveying during the week, I would set up an altar & put up candles & a sword that Ben had & I had a chalice, which I'd cut myself & bleed into it & say a prayer in Satan's name & drink the blood.

Drugged Up With Pills & The Stranger

I agreed to go back into the hospital again. I started hearing voices, voices to kill myself. I was so depressed & confused. In the hospital they did a test on me to see if I was schizophrenic & they put these things on my head it was like glued to my head. And when I was done with the test I walked back to the street to the hospital to my room & I went in the bathroom & took one look in the mirror & scared the holy crap out of me. My hair was standing straight up all over the place. And I had walk in front of traffic looking like that. How embarrassing. And it was fun trying to get the crap out of my hair too. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia!!!




Finally when they released me from the hospital I was on 8 anti- psychotic meds, 5 anti- depressant meds, 3 anti-anxiety meds, & a couple for things I don’t remember why. I was really drugged up pretty bad. But was able to kinda function, I guess, I sorta look like I had no animation in my face.



One day I was in my cottage & this man was outside weed eating, an older gentlemen about late 60’s early 70’s & something told me to go give him a glass of water. I said to myself, ‘No Way, I just don’t know this man, you just got out of the hospital & he’s plain & simple a stranger.’ But something kept pushing me over & over. So I finally gave in & I took him a glass of water. We talked a minute & he goes ”Do you know who I am?” I said, “No” He said “I’m the Pastor that owns the church over there & I own this property. I’m Rev. Gates. And you are more than welcome to come to the church sometime.” I said, “Boy do I have some questions for you!!!”

My Release

I had been in the hospital a month & it was time for me to go mainly cuz my insurance wouldn’t allow me to be there any longer. And I never told anyone about the black woman I saw in the rear view mirror or the music in my head. But I was feeling pretty good. Mark & I saw each other quite a few times on the outside & we had sex which I could have done without that, but like it or not we did.


My coworker found a little cottage for me to live in. My mom paid for 1st, last, & security deposit. I loved my little place. Margaret helped me move in. And my mom stayed with me the first night. It was so hard coming out of the hospital into the real world. In the hospital everything is so secure & structured & the real world is so cruel or can be. I remember going into K-Mart & I smiled at this man & he did not smile back, I was devastated, it almost killed me, cuz I was not used to that.

I went back to work & back to mowing lawns & it was all so great. My life was fantastic, I felt great & I was happy. I was seeing the therapist Joan & a Psychiatrist Dr. Edwards, he was a little skinny short man, very cool. But I missed Dr. Roberts, cuz he reminded me of my 5th grade teacher, whom I adored.

Like I said thing were going good at work, I even got a raise. Then about a year later things started going down hill.

Visitors

While I was in the open unit & they would have new people come in for the first time they would have me talk to them, because the prozac was working so well & I was so positive & upbeat. And because I used to take care of everyone else in the hospital (basically to avoid my own problems, didn’t want to deal). I would tell the people everything was going to be ok, & that they were in a great place with kind people. And just be a really good comforter. It was a good feeling for them & also for me.

New Friends & New Medications

After the three days of testing Dr. Roberts came & talked to me & said he was going to put me on new medications that just came out on the market, a yeah a Guinea Pig. It is called yes, Prozac for the depression & Klonopin for my anxiety. So I started the meds. The Klonopin was great. I slept wonderfully. I remember at one time I had to fill out a 500 questioner thing & one of the questions was do you believe in UFO’s & I do believe in them, but I said no on the paper, because I thought they’d think I was really nutso.



I met a guy named Mark & we became really close in the hospital. I met a girl in the locked unit named Diane she was an alcoholic, her head shook a lot, it was a nervous habit. I met another girl named Tina who wanted to kill herself in an unusual way. She went to a hotel room & laid on the bed & asked God to kill her. She stayed there for 4 days until she ran out of money, just laid on the bed waiting for God to kill her. We just laid on the floor with our legs on the couch & laughed about it. I was glad she could laugh about it. So it was Betty, David, Mark, Tina, Diana & I we were all buddies. We all held hands all the time, prayed together, laughed together & cried together.


Once they took us bowling & on the way there, Diana saw these girls on the street ready to cross the road. Diana is a Lesbian & she goes oh baby & I went where, forgetting she was a lesbian. I go what? She goes those two women & I go, oh gees. But I actually looked at the two women not wanting anyone to know that I WAS A LESBIAN!!!! Not really even admitting it to myself yet not until I was in my 30’s, which led to a long miserable life for me until I admitted it. Being with men, so people wouldn’t know what I really was & hating every minute of it.

Medication Trial

My mom was living in N.Y. State & Margaret called her & told her what had happened to me & she was on the next plane to see me. So her & Rhonda came to visit me. My mom told me some things that she never told me before. Things I had already known, but it was nice to hear her say them.



A few days passed by & I was still in there & kept asking Dr. Roberts when I was going home. He said I probably will be staying there for a while. That I had depression. “Depression, I have depression?” “You have what we call major depression & anxiety disorder.” “Anxiety disorder too?”


I finally moved out of the locked unit into the open unit. It was so much freer there. We could go outside.


One day they put me through a trial of medications, to see what would work for me. Another girl & I, Betty, were doing this at the same time. We had to record on paper every hour on how we were feeling. The lady nurse named Angie was doing the test. Betty & I were doing different ones at a time. The first one made me feel like I peed myself. It was a shot. Angie said it would make me feel that way. I kept feeling my crotch thinking I had peed all over myself & I went into the bathroom & felt my underwear & it was dry as a bone, it was such a strange feeling. Then Betty & I thought we’d go out & shoot some hoops, & well after a bit I started feeling weird, really light headed & hot, nervous & jumpy inside, like I was going to jump out of my skin. I said, “Betty, we’ve got to go in.” We went to the door & it was looked. NO way to get in. I then panicked. I started pacing back n forth & it was getting worse. Then I saw a women out with some kids a couple chain link fences over. We yelled for her to come over & open the door. She said she wouldn’t. I said very loud & very angry. “I’m fuckin going nuts now open the fuckin door!!!!!!” So at that point she thought it was urgent enough to help us & she came right over & unlocked the door. When I finally calmed down about 3 hours later it was time to see Angie about our reports. I told her how I was outside & feeling really bad. She said, “how come you didn’t report it to me or on the paper.” I said because we were fucking locked outside!!!”