Quitting Fire Fighting & EMT

One day I was working at the Fire Station & we were on a call & I was doing CPR on a woman & the voices in my head told me to kill her. I panicked & told someone to take over. When we got back to the Fire Station I got my Bunker gear & left the Fire Station for good. The captain asked me to come back & work, but I couldn't, it terrified me. Then I started to go to a day treatment group in Highland, like a drop-in center. I just loved it. I got off some of the meds that I was on & we were in a group session one day & the meds that they took me off of were finally out of my system & you couldn't shut me up. I kept apologizing to everyone. But I finally felt free, because I was on so many meds. Now I was just on a few. And it felt soooooo good. Once I was at the drop-in center & I started a new med, & I started it at the drop-in center, Big mistake. On my way home & I was so paranoid I could hardly drive. I thought everyone was staring at me & I was stiff as a board. I got home & my neighbor come over & I thought he wanted to kill me & I was watching a program on t.v. & I thought the audience was laughing. It was awful. It just had me on a too high of the dose of the med.

Excepting My Savior Jesus & Becoming A Fire Fighter

So I had some questions for Rev. Gates. He gave me some answers & an invitation to the church. It took me many months before I went to church. Then after a while I accepted Christ as my Savior. And life was great I loved it. I started having Bible studying with some friends. And I decided I wanted to become a volunteer fire fighter & EMT & I went to an interview, which was very intimidating , but they accepted me. And that started my adventure as a fire fighter & EMT. In 1994 is when I got baptized with water & the Holy Spirit in total water submersion. When Rev. Gators dunk me under the water, I just expected to come up out of the water & feel no different, but when he brought me out of the water I felt so different. I raised my arm in the air & yelled yes.It was the most amazing feeling I ever felt in my life. My mom was there & she disappeared & I found her outside & I asked her why she left. She said she had a strange feeling & a tugging like on her heart. I told her she shouldn't have left. She could of gave her life to Jesus that day.


Nothing could bring me down. I was so high on life, on Jesus. My life had changes. I had never felt better in my life. It was wonderful. I was a volunteer fire fighter & EMT which I made it my life plus working at the Water District. I was no longer mowing lawns. I would work at the Fire Station & go to the Water Dist. & straight from the Water Dist. to the Fire Station.

Satanism

Let me back up a bit. Before I went into the hospital the first time I started to get into Satanism. I had a satanic Bible. At first I just took it as a joke. Then I read it again & took it a little more seriously. When Ben, my boyfriend that I lived with, was gone away surveying during the week, I would set up an altar & put up candles & a sword that Ben had & I had a chalice, which I'd cut myself & bleed into it & say a prayer in Satan's name & drink the blood.

Drugged Up With Pills & The Stranger

I agreed to go back into the hospital again. I started hearing voices, voices to kill myself. I was so depressed & confused. In the hospital they did a test on me to see if I was schizophrenic & they put these things on my head it was like glued to my head. And when I was done with the test I walked back to the street to the hospital to my room & I went in the bathroom & took one look in the mirror & scared the holy crap out of me. My hair was standing straight up all over the place. And I had walk in front of traffic looking like that. How embarrassing. And it was fun trying to get the crap out of my hair too. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia!!!




Finally when they released me from the hospital I was on 8 anti- psychotic meds, 5 anti- depressant meds, 3 anti-anxiety meds, & a couple for things I don’t remember why. I was really drugged up pretty bad. But was able to kinda function, I guess, I sorta look like I had no animation in my face.



One day I was in my cottage & this man was outside weed eating, an older gentlemen about late 60’s early 70’s & something told me to go give him a glass of water. I said to myself, ‘No Way, I just don’t know this man, you just got out of the hospital & he’s plain & simple a stranger.’ But something kept pushing me over & over. So I finally gave in & I took him a glass of water. We talked a minute & he goes ”Do you know who I am?” I said, “No” He said “I’m the Pastor that owns the church over there & I own this property. I’m Rev. Gates. And you are more than welcome to come to the church sometime.” I said, “Boy do I have some questions for you!!!”

My Release

I had been in the hospital a month & it was time for me to go mainly cuz my insurance wouldn’t allow me to be there any longer. And I never told anyone about the black woman I saw in the rear view mirror or the music in my head. But I was feeling pretty good. Mark & I saw each other quite a few times on the outside & we had sex which I could have done without that, but like it or not we did.


My coworker found a little cottage for me to live in. My mom paid for 1st, last, & security deposit. I loved my little place. Margaret helped me move in. And my mom stayed with me the first night. It was so hard coming out of the hospital into the real world. In the hospital everything is so secure & structured & the real world is so cruel or can be. I remember going into K-Mart & I smiled at this man & he did not smile back, I was devastated, it almost killed me, cuz I was not used to that.

I went back to work & back to mowing lawns & it was all so great. My life was fantastic, I felt great & I was happy. I was seeing the therapist Joan & a Psychiatrist Dr. Edwards, he was a little skinny short man, very cool. But I missed Dr. Roberts, cuz he reminded me of my 5th grade teacher, whom I adored.

Like I said thing were going good at work, I even got a raise. Then about a year later things started going down hill.

Visitors

While I was in the open unit & they would have new people come in for the first time they would have me talk to them, because the prozac was working so well & I was so positive & upbeat. And because I used to take care of everyone else in the hospital (basically to avoid my own problems, didn’t want to deal). I would tell the people everything was going to be ok, & that they were in a great place with kind people. And just be a really good comforter. It was a good feeling for them & also for me.

New Friends & New Medications

After the three days of testing Dr. Roberts came & talked to me & said he was going to put me on new medications that just came out on the market, a yeah a Guinea Pig. It is called yes, Prozac for the depression & Klonopin for my anxiety. So I started the meds. The Klonopin was great. I slept wonderfully. I remember at one time I had to fill out a 500 questioner thing & one of the questions was do you believe in UFO’s & I do believe in them, but I said no on the paper, because I thought they’d think I was really nutso.



I met a guy named Mark & we became really close in the hospital. I met a girl in the locked unit named Diane she was an alcoholic, her head shook a lot, it was a nervous habit. I met another girl named Tina who wanted to kill herself in an unusual way. She went to a hotel room & laid on the bed & asked God to kill her. She stayed there for 4 days until she ran out of money, just laid on the bed waiting for God to kill her. We just laid on the floor with our legs on the couch & laughed about it. I was glad she could laugh about it. So it was Betty, David, Mark, Tina, Diana & I we were all buddies. We all held hands all the time, prayed together, laughed together & cried together.


Once they took us bowling & on the way there, Diana saw these girls on the street ready to cross the road. Diana is a Lesbian & she goes oh baby & I went where, forgetting she was a lesbian. I go what? She goes those two women & I go, oh gees. But I actually looked at the two women not wanting anyone to know that I WAS A LESBIAN!!!! Not really even admitting it to myself yet not until I was in my 30’s, which led to a long miserable life for me until I admitted it. Being with men, so people wouldn’t know what I really was & hating every minute of it.

Medication Trial

My mom was living in N.Y. State & Margaret called her & told her what had happened to me & she was on the next plane to see me. So her & Rhonda came to visit me. My mom told me some things that she never told me before. Things I had already known, but it was nice to hear her say them.



A few days passed by & I was still in there & kept asking Dr. Roberts when I was going home. He said I probably will be staying there for a while. That I had depression. “Depression, I have depression?” “You have what we call major depression & anxiety disorder.” “Anxiety disorder too?”


I finally moved out of the locked unit into the open unit. It was so much freer there. We could go outside.


One day they put me through a trial of medications, to see what would work for me. Another girl & I, Betty, were doing this at the same time. We had to record on paper every hour on how we were feeling. The lady nurse named Angie was doing the test. Betty & I were doing different ones at a time. The first one made me feel like I peed myself. It was a shot. Angie said it would make me feel that way. I kept feeling my crotch thinking I had peed all over myself & I went into the bathroom & felt my underwear & it was dry as a bone, it was such a strange feeling. Then Betty & I thought we’d go out & shoot some hoops, & well after a bit I started feeling weird, really light headed & hot, nervous & jumpy inside, like I was going to jump out of my skin. I said, “Betty, we’ve got to go in.” We went to the door & it was looked. NO way to get in. I then panicked. I started pacing back n forth & it was getting worse. Then I saw a women out with some kids a couple chain link fences over. We yelled for her to come over & open the door. She said she wouldn’t. I said very loud & very angry. “I’m fuckin going nuts now open the fuckin door!!!!!!” So at that point she thought it was urgent enough to help us & she came right over & unlocked the door. When I finally calmed down about 3 hours later it was time to see Angie about our reports. I told her how I was outside & feeling really bad. She said, “how come you didn’t report it to me or on the paper.” I said because we were fucking locked outside!!!”

David, My Friend

I met with Dr. Roberts & we talked about my hating myself & we talked about my life & me wanting to kill myself. I asked him when can I go home. He said, “We’ll talk more.” And he left. I met with someone & was asked a bunch of questions about myself, my feelings & my life. I would walk around the unit looking lost. I wanted to go into the T.V. room, but they smoked in there, so I stayed out of there. I met a guy named David & we talked for awhile. He thought I was in there for either drugs or alcohol. I said neither. He said I would have never of guessed, I thought you were in for one or the other or both. I told him that I didn’t touch drugs or alcohol anymore. He was having a hard time with his life, with his wife & kids, just not happy anymore & did not know why. He was sorta a Mormon, whatever that means. We talked for quiet awhile about our lives and stuff. David was a really hurting man & a good man. That cares so much for his family. David & I hit it off well.

My 1st Night In The Mental Hospital

Cuz, when I opened the door, there were about 8 people standing there. And Dr. Roberts stood up & said take her in back. And I was escorted to the locked area. Margaret was able to come with me. They put me in a very small room with these mirrors along the walls. I knew there were cameras behind them. Dr. Roberts came in & said, “I just want you here for a couple of days.” “Is that all a couple of days.” “Yes,” He said. Little did I know it was going to be a long month. Margaret said, “I don’t know why you’re not crying?” As she was crying, I said that I was too pissed to cry. One of the nurses came in & Margaret told her that she wanted me to have a bigger room, not this tiny room to stay in. The nurse said she would see to that. It was time for Margaret to go. I didn’t want her to go. But we said our goodbyes. It was pretty late at night they just took my vital signs & put me to bed. They locked the door so I couldn’t get out. At least it had a bathroom in it. There was only a sheet on the bed & it was freezing in the room. I didn’t find out until later that u could control the temperature in the room. I had stomach problems that morning & they kept asking me if I was alright. I just wanted to go home. They let me come out of the room later that morning & took my vitals again & they said to me it was time to take a shower. They gave me another gown as my clothes were being laundered. We went out through the locked doors to another unit where a bunch of people were & into a room where the showers were, there were stalls. I took my shower & had to dry off in front of one of the workers, embarrassing. I did have a nice skinny body at that time. But I don’t like being naked in front of strangers. I got dressed in my lovely gown & went back into the locked unit again.

My Trip To See The Psychiatrist

Well, she was gone for quite awhile & when she finally came back she said, “Would you be willing to go to George Town & talk to a psychiatrist up there?” I said, “I don’t know, I really don’t want to drive all the way up there.” “Well, maybe Margaret could dive you up there & you all could follow me in my vehicle, we’ll just go up there & talk to someone.” “Well I guess so, what do you think Margaret?” “Yea, I could take you up there, but first I have to call my husband & let him know I won’t be home until later.” Margaret calls her husband & Joan goes out in the front room to make another phone call again. So on our way to George Town to see some shrink, boy I didn’t know what I was getting into. We pulled into the parking lot of this hospital called, Sunny Side, I said, “Margaret, I’m not going to be leaving here!!!!!”She said, “What, yes you are, what are you talking about?” “I know someone who came here & ended up staying here, they are going to keep me here, I just know it.” “They can’t do that,” Margaret said. “We’ll see,” I told her. We went up to the front door with Joan & we got buzzed in & walked into a fairly large room with a large table, there were 3 people at the table, then Joan, Margaret & I sat down & soon the psychiatrist came in. He introduced himself as Dr. Roberts. I said, “Hi.” He said, “Do you know why you’re here?” “No!” I said. He said, “I heard that you wanted to kill yourself?” “No, it’s just talk.” He said, “But you have a gun at home, what do you plan on doing with it?” “I’m not going to kill myself, it’s just talk (liar) I just want to go home.” “Well I think maybe you should stay here a couple of days & get evaluated.” “I don’t think so. I have 2 jobs, I work at the Water District & I mow lawns on the side, & doing the lawns it’s just me & another guy & I couldn’t just leave him to do it all by himself, plus my jeep is in New Haven at Joan’s office.” “Well your jobs will be there when you get out, it will only be a couple of days.” “NO, I can’t leave my jobs, YOU DON’T understand!!!!!” I said very angry. He said, “What do you think Margaret, do you think she should stay?” “Well, she’s pretty angry, I don’t know if she should stay or not.” It would be for her own good, believe me!” “You can’t keep me in this fucken place!!!!” I got up, walked toward the door & opened it, cuz I thought I was going to be able to make a bee-line to the front door. Boy, was I wrong.

The Therapy Session

So here I go my boss & I on our way back to “The Room”. She said, “Hi, I’m Joan.” I said hi. She asked, “So what brings you here tonight.” It was 7:00 at night. I said, “My boss, Margaret, made me come here.” “And why did she make you come here?” “Because my job, my life & whatever else is just going downhill.” “Why is it going downhill?” “I don’t know, I’m just unhappy with everything, I hate my boyfriend & I hate myself.” “Why do you hate yourself?” “I hate my body & my boyfriend touching me. I don’t want anyone touching me.” She asked, “Have you ever been sexually abused?” “WHY?” I said very loudly. “Because you sound like someone who has been sexually abused.” “Maybe,” I said. “Who did this to you?” I said, “My father did some stuff to me and stuff like that & I DO NOT want to talk about it!!!!!” Margaret starts to cry. I said to her, “Why are you crying, if you are crying over me please don’t, because I’m not worth crying over.” Margaret says, “That’s not true you are worth it, & I’m sorry I never knew that your father sexually abused you.” Joan asked, “Why don’t you think you’re not worth it?” “Because I’m an idiot, I’m stupid, I’m dumb, I’m a jerk & an over all fuck up, I just want to end my life, I don’t want to live anymore, my life is worthless.” Joan says, “Do you have a plan?” I said, “Well, I went to the Stationary Store & bought a Will & my boyfriend has a gun at home.” Joan says, “That’s where you live with your boyfriend & he has a gun in the house that you can get to?” “Yes”, I said. Joan said, Excuse me for a minute I’ll be right back.”

My New Therapist

I believe it was around 1990 and I was 22 years old. I was on my way to my 1st therapy appointment in New Haven. Margaret was going to meet me there. I didn’t know what to expect from this therapist, was she going to think I was nuts. I had left an unwritten will on the kitchen table at home, my plan was to come home from my appointment and kill myself with my boyfriend’s gun, by shooting myself in the head. My boyfriend was gone for the week, a surveying job out of town. I was only seeing this therapist to satisfy my boss. I thought that I had loved my boyfriend for a while, but it didn’t last long. Everything about him got under my skin, but he did love me, he wasn’t a bad man. He never cheated on me, hit me or yelled at me. But he just drove me up the wall. He didn’t deserve how I treated him. I think it was just me that I was the problem, not him. But I just felt like I was stuck in this relationship. Once I literally put him through a wall. I had his gun in my hands and he came in the bedroom and saw me with it and stated rambling on about how I must have hated my mom. So I shoved him and he went right through the wall. Needless to say our landlord was not a happy camper. I waited out in my jeep until Margaret arrived, then we both went in together. We sat in the chair while I filled out some paper work. I was about to spill my guts out to a therapist, boy was I nervous. And then the therapist came out and said, “Tammy, I’m ready for you now.”

My Co-Workers (My Schizophrenia)

Work was going crappy, I was not doing a very good job at all. I kept hearing voices, but told no one. I was very depressed, sad & unhappy in my relationship, I wanted out of that so bad. But I felt stuck in the relationship. I hated my job, most of the people I worked with & myself, most of all. They were treating me like shit at work. The things I did for my co-worker, Karen, & she continued to stab me in the back. Once during work, we were working together & she had a really bad hang-over, & I let her sleep in back of the jeep while I did all the work & I never told a soul, until now. Now if it was the other way around she would of told on me. Well down the road it all caught up with her, she finally lost her job & her home, because of the drug use, actually it’s a shame, because her daughter is turning out just like her, what a waste. I don’t wish anything on anybody, except the people trying to destroy our country, but she did treat me like crap. I guess it’s true that, What Comes Around Goes Around. Also Shirley our foremen, she would be one of those who would be so nice to your face, but behind your back the knife went in really deep. They sure didn’t make my illness any better. I was hurt, angry & felt so very alone. All I could think about was suicide. My head boss Margaret finally came to me one day and said that if I didn’t get some help I was going to be fired. I asked her if I went would she go with me my first time and she said yes. So I found a therapist.

How The Schizophrenia Began

I am writing a story a true story about my life as a schizophrenic , my times in and out of the many mental hospitals, relationships, psychiatrists, therapists, nurses, and whatever.

The names and places have been changed for their benefits.



I was working at the time and driving at the moment and I would hear music all the time, but it wouldn’t really bother me or I wouldn’t really think about it, cuz it was pretty cool with my own juke box in my head. But then once I saw a black woman in my rearview mirror covered in blood running after me screaming. I slammed on my brakes and got out of the jeep & looked all around for her, but of course she was not there. I was confused and I felt like I was going nuts, the place I was at did not look familiar to me, I felt like I was in a foreign land. I was hearing these voices that I never heard before, it sounded like hundreds of them. I just put my head in my hands & cried.